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- Grandma - a dancer
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- Grandpa - a writer
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- Uncle Tommy - Worked for the Nixon administration. Went to jail (not for Watergate). Tried to steal the secret Kentucky Fried Chicken recipe from Col. Sanders.
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- Cousin Helen - She is now a librarian. She didn’t have a choice with those glasses.
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- Uncle Will - A talented musician, he played the tuba in the Army Band. Died from lead poisoning in 68.
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- Aunt Beverly - She became a lounge singer in Vegas and briefly dated Joey Bishop. Divorced and childless. Beverly now resides in Naples, Florida and living off her inheritance.
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- Uncle Bobby - A brilliant man…but sadly blew all his money on the Sox in 86.
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- Dad - What a looker, huh? Always cool. Now writes articles for Good Housekeeping.
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- Mom - You’ve got to love that hair. She still wears it that way.
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- Cousin Janice - She played with Prince for two years in the 80’s. Currently lives in Minnesota selling medical supplies.
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- Cousin Ashli - Whereabouts unknown.
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- Cousin Keith - High school football star. Played D-II ball, but fell into the wrong crowd. Died in drive by shooting.
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- Stacey, my sister - Prom queen and all-American girl. Married an investment banker and has three kids now. She teaches women how to breast feed.
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- Alan, my brother - Loved Billy Ray Cyrus way too much. Now works for the Hannah Montana Show as the Best Boy.
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- Kyle, my brother - Still in college working on a Physical Education degree. He will eventually finish. We hope.
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- Stephanie, my sister - Stacey’s twin sister, she could never compete with her twin. Always chasing after the bad boy, she will soon appear on the next season of “Rock of Love.”
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- Cousin Phil - The runt of the litter. He was constantly picked on as a child by his classmates. He is now an Airbrush artist in Panama City.
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- Cousin Todd - Professional Putt Putt Golf player in California.
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- Cousin Mikey - Had moderate success as a singer in a Color Me Badd cover band in the late 90’s. Recently had bypass surgery at 36.
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- Allison, my sister - What a sweet girl…until she snapped.